Samantha, you gotta...
We're at the hotel. It's a free zone.
Still. Out of respect.
Well, I gotta say, I am digging the sequin trim on the Real Housewife of Abu Dhabi.
What's up with that?
Younger Muslim women are embracing old traditions in new and personal ways.
CARRIE: Well, I could get into the head wrap...
...but the veil across the mouth, it freaks me out.
It's like they don't want them to have a voice.
Yeah, or hormones.
I cannot find one Internet hormone site that's not blocked.
At least you know your phone is working.
I can't get Harry to respond to any of my texts and it's not like him.
- But you called him when you arrived, right? - Yeah, but that was hours ago.
French fries for the lady with the veil.
How is she gonna do that?
A lift for every fry.
That is a major commitment to fried food.
What time is it in New York now?
Okay. Sweetie, you gotta stop.
- What do you mean? - You are obsessing...
...about something that is happening 6700 miles away...
...and you're missing the woman with the veil eating french fries at the next table.
Consider this an interfriendtion.
You have to stop obsessing about the nanny.
Well, it is all Samantha's fault.
I was perfectly happy and then she went and opened her big mouth.
Maybe we should get her a niqab.
Look, I warn you right now, don't come down on me.
With the jet lag and the no hormones...
...who knows what kind of mood swings I'm capable of.
I like the necklace.
Hi.
[SNORING]
- Miss? - Ah!
Oh, God.
I'm so very sorry.
It's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't...
I didn't expect you to still be here.
You did not dismiss me.
Oh. I was supposed to do that?
Oh.
I'm sorry, Gaurau, I didn't know.
It is my pleasure. What can I do for you?
Nothing, I was just gonna warm some milk up, but you go, go home.
No, no, allow me, please. I insist.
I will bring it to you.
Oh, you don't have to. I'll wait.
If you will permit me, might I suggest a touch of cinnamon?
It is a secret learned from my wife.
Well, please apologize to your wife for my keeping you here all night.
It is fine. She is in India.
CARRIE: Oh.
I will see her in one month.
I'm afraid if I apologize then, it will hardly make sense.
So you work here and you travel back and forth?
Yes. Every three months, when I have a break in work and can afford the plane fare.
Isn't that hard?
What, miss?
Just, you know, being married and spending all that time apart.
Time does not matter.
When we see each other, each time...
...it is very wonderful.
I'm a lucky man.
Okay, now I'm gonna try one of these little date confections.
I think my butler's gay.
- First, he's way too cute. - That's genetics.
I asked about his dating life and he said it was private.
That's appropriate.
When I asked how to pronounce his name he said:
"Abdul. Like Paula."
- And that's gay. - Yeah.
- Morning. MIRANDA: Morning.
- Morning. - How'd you sleep?
All right.
- Samantha, what are you eating? - Mm. Hummus.
I read online that chickpeas are high in natural estrogen.
So are yams. Paula Abdul's getting me some later.
Is she here too?
Good morning, miss. What can we bring you for breakfast?
Just some fruit, please.
Thank you.
He is so nice. What's his name again?
Gaurau.
He's from India. His wife still lives there.
They only see each other once every three months when they can afford it.
And I asked him if that was hard for them and he said:
"Time doesn't matter."
That each time they see each other it's wonderful.
So, see, there are all kinds of marriages.
Who's up for a morning trip to the souk in Old Abu Dhabi?
What's a souk?
It's a market where you can buy gold, spices, textiles and souk things.
I'm in. One sip then souk.
Wow.
- Oh, it's so beautiful. - We'll be back in time for lunch.
- Thank you, Gaurau. MIRANDA: Thank you, Resir.
Got it.
You must not have a forbidden experience.
Oh, okay.
Men may approach you with black-market wristwatches.
If you engage them, they'll move you to a room and try to sell you items. It is illegal.
Other than that, you'll not have to worry. People here are very honest.
Driver.
[MIRANDA SPEAKS IN ARABIC]
CARRIE: Mm. Smells so good. - Yeah.
Ladies.
- Forbidden experience coming at you. - Ladies. Ladies.
- No, no. - Ladies.
No.
Oh.
And from the forbidden to the necessary.
I'll be going there.
Of course you will. I'm going back for more spices. I don't think I got enough.
Okay.
These are very pretty.
Do you speak English?
Yes.
May I try this? Thank you.
Let me just get them...
Oh, thank you.
So, yes, yes.
I'll take them.
Thank you.
So pretty.
Just...
Thank you.
So, for this, how much?
One hundred dirham.
- Twenty dollars? - Yes.
- For shoes? - Yes.
Okay, thank you.
That's 100. Thank you.
Oh, you know what, I'll just put the shoes in my purse.
Okay. I'm just gonna make room.
[MUEZZIN SINGING CALL TO PRAYER OVER SPEAKERS]
Is that the call to prayer?
Yes.
And there, in the middle of Old Abu Dhabi, was an old love.
- The guy hid them back there... - Aidan.
This is the best mirage that I've ever had.
And I did some peyote once in Arizona that blew my head off.
Come here, you.
Is this allowed here?
What the...?
Abu Dhabi? What? You? Why?
Well, I heard about this amazing deal on shoes.
No, I'm here with the girls.
Yeah, Samantha worked us all in on her free PR trip.
And you? What?
I'm on the third leg of a buying trip. Bali, India, here.
Yeah, I import rugs to sell with the furniture...
...and I'm talking like I don't know you. Come here again.
Holy moly.
You know, Miranda's here with me, so, I don't...
Shall we grab a kebab or a whatever?
Shoot. I have to eat lunch with my business partners.
And they don't cotton to the ladies at the lunches.
I knew I should've packed my burqa.
We're going to a different city after lunch. I'll be back tomorrow.
Can I take you out to dinner, just you and me?
Oh. Uh...
Well, I don't really know what the girls have planned.
You know, Miranda's got us scheduled pretty...
It's okay. Look, if you have the time...
...the locals say that the restaurant at my hotel has the best muhammara in town.
That's my international cell.
International cell.
Look at you, all grown-up.
I should get going.
They consider it rude to keep people waiting here.
[CARRIE LAUGHS]
Bye.
They also consider it rude not to call an old boyfriend for dinner.
Carrie!
How weird is this?
SAMANTHA: How did he look?
Like no time had gone by.
- Did you tell him you and Big got married? CARRIE: Yes.
Those were the first words out of my mouth.
"Hey, we're here in Abu Dhabi and I married that man you hated."
[LAUGHING]
- Is he still married? - I have no idea.
Was he wearing a wedding ring?
I believe he was.
- Are you gonna have dinner with him? - We're here to spend time together.
- Just the four of us. CHARLOTTE: Right.
- Um, legs. - Miranda, I'm at the pool.
- What am I supposed to wear? - How about a burkini?
Yeah, they have them at the gift shop.
SAMANTHA: Forget about them.
Look.
Arriving at the pool, direct from a sweaty practice match:
The Australian rugby team.
Who ordered the Aussie sausage?
This is a disaster.
I have a whole pool of testosterone from down under...
...and I'm not feeling anything down under.
It's official. The estrogen has left the building.
Okay, I am pulling an interfriendtion.
If I can't talk anymore about Harry...
...then she can't talk anymore about hormones.
I can't eat any more yams.
Couldn't hurt.
Ladies, we came here to have fun together.
And I, being the type-A control freak that I am...
...have planned a full day and night of big Abu Dhabi fun.
I am gonna turn this interfriendtion...
...into an interfuntion.
[YELLS]
[YELLING]
Still nothing.
[YELLING]
Thank you.
Thank you, Gaurau.
- Oh, my. - You said we were going to lunch.
We are. Camels, then lunch. It'll be fun.
Not to not be fun...
...but I'm not really dressed to get on a camel.
I've got that covered.
- What? - Gift of the hotel.
And don't worry, I had Abdul pick them out.
[WOMEN LAUGH]
Serious?
- Care to change in the Bedouin tent? - Bedouin, Bath and Beyond.
Still nothing.
CARRIE: Thank you, Gaurau, yes.
- This is very exciting suddenly. CHARLOTTE: Help. Wait, wait. Help.
Heels. Sand. Hot.
- I'm having a hot flash. - You're fine.
Seriously, they're starting.
Look, you're on a camel in the middle of the desert.
If you're not having a hot flash, you're dead.
- What do you think? - This is fabulous.
[PHONE CHIMING]
There's my phone. Oh, my God. It's my phone.
Who's her long distance provider?
Hello, Harry? What have you been doing?
I woke you up? Harry, wait. You're going in and out.
Can you hear me now?
Harry?
Miranda, I'm falling!
Sir, she's falling!
Are you okay?
- Thank you. - It's okay.
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Oh.
Wow, you have an actual camel camel-toe.
Oh, it's not that funny.
She's having a little sand wedge.
Harry? Hi!
Harry, are you there? I just fell off a camel.
Thank you, sir.
Did you get my texts?
It is amazing how much food and clothing four butlers can fit into four Maybachs.
- Thanks. - Enjoy.
Gorgeous.
To Fouad and Marzouk and...
- Hatimi. - Hatimi.
- Yes. - Thank you.
My apologies, ladies, for disturbing your fun.
Gaurau, my friend, if you would do me the kindness of calling the hotel...
...telling them I'll be an hour or two late.
My pleasure, sir.
What's the sense in a boring business dinner...
...when you have sand dunes and sunset?
Am I right?
[RIKARD SPEAKING IN ARABIC]
You all saw that, right?
Well, I sure did.
Who's Lawrence of Arabia?
He's a Danish architect who stays at the hotel each time he's in Abu Dhabi.
- Very nice man. - Very hot man.
Well, ladies, I am definitely feeling something down under.
- No, don't, don't. SAMANTHA: And he's staying at our hotel.
Lawrence of my labia.
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[SINGING] It feels like the first time
It feels like the very first time
It feels like the first time
It feels like the very first time
[MAN SINGING IN ARABIC]
Karaoke in the U.S., tired.
Karaoke in the Middle East, fresh.
Now, why are those women allowed to show their bellies and chests?
Well, from my research, there's some kind of nightclub-belly-dancer loophole.
Oh, those clever religious men.
Oh, excuse me. I mean, marhaba.
[SPEAKING IN ARABIC]
Okay. Could we get another round of champagne?
- Okay. - Okay.
Shukran very much.
Another round? You are fun in Abu Dhabi.
- I'm fun in New York. - Not for the last two years.
Oh, really? You think I'm fun now? Just wait.
It feels like the very first time
Give it up, people.
Give it up, Abu Dhabi. He's working hard, hard, hard for you.
Next we have four girls from America.
Ladies, you have to come to the stage now, please, oh.
- Put your hands together. Let's go. - It'll be fun. It'll be fun. Come on, come on.
We are waiting for you, America.
What song did you pick? What if I don't know it?
- Trust me, you know the song. - Are those ours?
They're going to sing for us.
[SINGING] I am w...
- No, no, no. Not yet. - Wait for it.
Now. Now we come in.
[SINGING] I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much To go back and pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on that floor
And no one's ever gonna Keep me down again
No Yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I paid the price
But look how much I've gained
If I have to I can do anything
I am strong Strong
I am invincible Invincible
I am woman
- Pretty good, huh? - Yeah.
Everyone!
Standing toe to toe
As I spread my loving arms Across the land
I am still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand
Oh, yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I've gained
If I have to I can do anything
I am strong Strong
I am invincible Invincible
I am strong Strong
I am invincible Invincible
I am woman
[CHEERING]
MAN: Those are the American women. I heard them roar.
Oh, my goodness.
I am a woman
I got that table
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
- That was quite a performance. - Oh, you haven't seen anything yet.
RIKARD: Hello again. - Hi.
Allow me to properly introduce myself. My name is Rikard Spirt.
Rikard. Isn't that "Richard"?
- In Danish, yes. - So your name is Dick Spirt?
Could you be any more American?
I don't think so.
Care to join me for a drink?
Oh, I can't tonight. It's girls' night out.
But I do have tomorrow free...
...all day and night.
Perhaps you'd be open for a late dinner.
I'd be open.
RIKARD: You're very funny...
...Samantha.
- Ladies. - Good night.
Wow.
I gotta hand it to you, Samantha.
Not blowing us off for a guy in your condition...
...very classy.
Well, we made a deal ages ago.
Men, babies, doesn't matter.
We're soul mates.
It was the perfect end to a perfect day.
- Good morning. - Good morning, miss.
- Where is everyone? - Oh, they're having breakfast on the terrace.
Is this Samantha's? May I?
As you wish.
Thanks.
"And on and on, one by one, she lampoons the traditional wedding vows."
Yeah. It's a satire.
And it's hilarious.
"Until the talented Bradshaw is better able to grasp the complexities of married life...
...she would be better advised...
...to explore the vow of silence."
Ugh!
And he would be better advised to go fuck himself.
God.
The New Yorker.
I have been carrying it around in my purse for 20 years.
And to make it worse, they turned me into a cartoon...
...and slapped tape across my mouth.
SAMANTHA: Take it as a compliment.
You have a strong female voice and this guy is intimidated.
You know, I'm just realizing, it wasn't my tone of voice that my boss didn't like.
It was the fact that I had a voice.
Men in the U.S. pretend they're comfortable with strong women...
...but really, a lot of them would prefer us eating french fries behind our veils.
- Word. - I should've just stuck to writing...
...about what I know: Being single.
But you're not.
No, I'm married, and Big wants two days off.
- I thought you both wanted... - Charlotte.
SAMANTHA: Well, there'll be other reviews. Fabulous reviews.
No. But right now, I need you to go shopping.
We have to find me something for my date.
Something sexy that doesn't show my tits, arms or belly.
[MIRANDA CHUCKLES]
- I think I'm gonna take a walk. - What about our spa day?
I'm not in the mood. Not in the mood. But you guys go, have fun.
Okay, I'll see you later.
- You sure? - Yeah.
- We have dinner reservations at 8. - Yeah.
Miss?
I'm going out.
I don't know how she got ahold of it.
No more yams.
GAURAU: Is there anything you'd like to do, miss?
CARRIE: No, thank you.
I think I'm gonna walk ahead, by myself.
I walked along the Abu Dhabi beach.
I had never felt so far away from home.
Or from myself.
- Hi. - Hi.
We missed you at the spa. How was your day?
- It was good. - Wow, you look great.
I'm meeting Aidan for dinner.
Oh, okay. We'll change our reservation to 5, then.
No, we're okay with four. Samantha's got that late date.
Not necessary, because we're having dinner at his hotel.
At his hotel.
Yeah. There's a great Middle Eastern place there.
It has the best, I don't know, something.
- Why are you having dinner with him? - How can I not have dinner with him?
We bump into each other halfway around the world?
- I mean, it means something. - It doesn't mean anything.
Are you serious?
You have been saying that everything means something for the last 20 years.
But seeing Aidan at a spice souk in the Middle East means nothing.
I think you're playing with fire.
Oh, my God. Now I'm playing with fire? All right, you've gone crazy.
Seriously, you're crazy in Abu Dhabi.
Just because you're worried about your marriage, everyone's gonna cheat.
Have a good time at dinner.
You okay?
Yeah. I'm just really, really tired. I'm gonna take a nap.
Take a nice, long nap.
And then I'll buy you a drink.
How's 9 sound?
- Okay. - Okay.
Hi.
Miss Hobbes.
I thought, "Why go to a bar when we have a bar?"
Thank you.
Thank you, Resir. You can go.
How was your nap?
I slept hard.
You needed it. Being a mother kicks your ass.
Yes, but the benefits make it worth it.
Okay.
- We're 6700 miles away from everyone. - Mm-hm.
- You can say it to me. I'm a mother too. - Say what?
All the things you're thinking, but you won't allow yourself to say out loud.
Okay. I'll go first.
As much as I love Brady...
...and I do love him more than words...
...being a mother is not enough.
I miss my job.
You're not gonna leave me hanging out feeling like the worst mother, are you?
Okay.
Well...
- I love my girls. - I know that.
But...
...I have enjoyed not having them around.
- I needed a break. - Yes, you did.
Rose cries all day, every day.
It's driving me crazy.
I have been watching you. I don't know how you're doing it.
Sometimes I go in the other room and I close the door...
...and I just let her scream. Isn't that awful?
No, that's survival. Take a sip.
And can I tell you something else?
I feel guilty.
I feel so guilty, because all I ever prayed for was to have a family.
And now I have these two beautiful girls.
And?
- They're driving me crazy. - Take a sip.
And I feel like I'm failing.
I just feel like I'm failing all the time.
You're not failing.
Being a mother is hard.
Oh, my God. It is so hard.
And I have full-time help.
How do the women without help do it?
I have no fucking idea.
- To them. - To them.
And when I...
Oh, no, I can't. I can't. It's awful.
Sip.
Go.
When I heard Samantha say...
...that Harry was gonna cheat on me with Erin...
Yeah.
...my first thought was:
"I can't lose the nanny."
[LAUGHING]
We really should eat something.
I'm happy for you. For both of you.
Thank you.
That means a lot.
I have a confession to make.
I already knew you were married.
You let me go through all that?
Yeah, my wife showed me something on the internet.
You know, she always kind of kept one eye on you, the one that got away.
How is Kathy?
She's great. She's really amazing.
Her fabric business is through the roof, even with the three boys.
- Oh, my God. Three? - Yeah.
Homer, Wyatt and Tate.
Sounds like a country-music band.
Here's hoping.
Tate.
Wow. Aidan, they're amazing.
Yeah, they're good boys.
We're really lucky.
What about you?
Not in the cards?
I don't know.
We've talked about it a lot and both love kids, but...
...that's not who we are.
Yeah, doesn't surprise me. You're anything but traditional.
I learned that when I tried to get you to wear a ring.
Exactly. And see? Still:
No diamond.
- And I'm married. - Man...
...that was my big mistake. Trying to get a rock on you.
You're not like other women.
Man, are you not.
Fuck, you look good.
You look hot. I'm sorry, but you do.
Did you enjoy the muhammara?
That is the best muhammara I've ever had.
AIDAN: There's seven arches.
One to represent each of the different Arab Emirates.
I memorize a different state every time I come. I'm up to four now.
I got Abu Dhabi, Ajman...
...Dubai and, um, hold on...
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
- Oh, fuck. - Yeah, I should go.
I'm going. Bye.
Is this the way?
- How was your dinner, miss? - Yeah.
- I kissed Aidan. - I knew it.
I know you knew it.
I played with fire.
I'm so mad at myself. Is Samantha still here? I need everybody.
She's getting ready for her date.
Samantha!
In here.
I kissed Aidan. I'm freaking out. I need to talk.
I'm coming right out.
Paula, I need a towel.
One minute, he was naming the Arab Emirates...
...and then, all of a sudden, we kissed.
- Did he kiss you? Or did you kiss him? - No, both. Both equally guilty.
- Yeah, I wanna call Big and tell him. - Let's just calm down for a second.
No, really. I don't want the secret. The secret to me makes it much worse.
So the sooner I tell him, the quicker, the less damage it will do.
I mean, we're eight hours ahead of New York. This is the future.
It hasn't really even happened there yet.
Well, now I'm crazy in Abu Dhabi.
So, what do you think? Should I call him?
CHARLOTTE: I don't know.
I'm a little drunk.
When Steve told me he cheated on me, I was devastated.
But now that I know it was only that one time...
- Yeah? - Was the pain worth it?
- I don't know. - Yeah. I don't know.
SAMANTHA: Let's get something straight here.
Steve had sex.
I'm sorry, but he did.
And this was just a kiss. A kiss is nothing.
- A kiss with Aidan. - It was a kiss.
- We have a history. - It was just a kiss.
Say nothing.
I am gonna tell him.
Do me a favor...
...and sleep on it.
Your first sheesha experience.
This is very exciting.
You put this pipe in your mouth...
And suck?
You are a natural.
I think you have another audience.
Abu Dhabi is so cutting-edge in so many ways...
...and so backward when it comes to sex.
And the paradox is...
...I find myself to be most aroused on my trips here.
Do tell.
If we were in, say, Paris, or Madrid, right now...
...I would be having my hand down your blouse, brushing your nipples.
But here, such things are forbidden.
And it's like being a boy again.
And are you a big boy?
Walk on the beach?
Oh, yes.
I need a walk on the beach.
Your top seems to have come undone.
[SPEAKING IN ARABIC]
[PHONE RINGING]
Well, it's 2:30 a.m. there. You still can't be jet-lagged.
Hi.
Something happened.
- Are you okay? - Yes. Yes.
Nothing accident-wise or anything.
But it was an accident.
What happened? Are you physically okay?
Yes, I'm...
I'm fine.
I, uh, went to the spice market...
...and I ran into Aidan.
- Hello? - Yes?
And we decided to have dinner...
...because it was so strange to see each other there.
And at dinner we were talking about how happy we were in our marriages and...
And when we went to say goodbye...
...somehow...
...we kissed.
It didn't mean anything...
...and it lasted only a second.
And I'm sick about it.
And the girls didn't know if I should even tell you...
...because it was just a kiss and it means nothing.
But I told them...
...that I couldn't have a secret from you. That we don't have secrets.
And the secret would just make it worse. So...
So I'm telling you.
And I feel awful.
And I'm sorry.
Please say something.
I'm at work, Carrie.
I have to go.
Goodbye.
[PHONE RINGS]
- Hi. I was gonna call you back. I just... SAMANTHA: Carrie, this is outrageous.
- I've been arrested. - Wait, wait, wait.
- Samantha, wait. What's wrong? - You gotta get down here.
[GROANS]
Get up.
Samantha was arrested for having sex on the beach.
She's at hotel security and she needs a lawyer.
I'm on it.
No, no, no. That way.
We did not have sex. We were just kissing.
And this uptight couple told the security guard to arrest us.
See, kissing is something. It's illegal.
SAMANTHA: Oh, Mr. Safir, thank you so much for coming.
I'm so sorry about this unfortunate situation.
Ladies, if you don't mind waiting outside.
I'm her attorney. I'm gonna stay.
- Sure. - We'll be right outside.
- It's all right. - So, what is the severity of the situation?
The gentleman who reported the incident is very conservative...
...and has insisted the offending event be recorded.
Offending event? It was kissing.
I understand your feelings. But we will need your passport.
My passport? You gotta be kidding me.
It's just to make a record. To satisfy the complaining gentleman.
This is outrageous.
I know. I know.
It was just a kiss.
Thank you.
I guess I really missed who I used to be...
...and Aidan was such a big part of that and...
Yes, I wanted the flirting, and, yes, I wanted the attention.
But I didn't want the kiss.
The minute I kissed Aidan I remembered who I used to be.
Someone just running around New York like a crazy person...
...trying to get the one man I loved to love me back.
And now he does love me...
...and he wants to sit on a couch in New York City with me.
And I really hope my past hasn't screwed up my future.
And what's so bad about a couch anyway?
Oh, my God. I'm having a mid-wife crisis.
I should never have said anything to him.
The New Yorker was right to slap a big piece of tape across my mouth.
And I'm sorry for that thing I said about your marriage earlier.
I'm sorry too.
For what?
For having an attitude about that two-day idea.
I've had two days away, I've gotten a little sleep...
...and I am finally starting to feel like myself again.
I think there's really something to it.
Maybe.
Well, let's just hope Big doesn't want seven days off.
And as morning arrived, so did Samantha's release.
MAHMUD: I am sorry it took me so long to arrive.
SAMANTHA: Well, you're here now, Mr. Mahmud.
I never got word until I arrived at my office.
I'm sorry that you had to come all the way out here.
- Well, it is all settled now. - Thanks to you.
- Good to see you again, ladies. - Thank you so much.
I'm starving.
Hello? What's for breakfast?
Abdul? Anybody?
Well, that's odd. Where are they?
[PHONE RINGING]
- Hello? - Miss Jones, please.
Samantha. It's the front desk.
- This is Samantha Jones. - Miss Jones.
This is Beydoun at the front desk.
I will need a credit card number for the room charges.
Beydoun, there must be some mistake.
I am a guest of Sheikh Khalid. There is no room charge.
Yes, I have a record of that. But not from today on.
What are you talking about? I have a meeting with the sheikh on Tuesday.
Ah, yes. I have a note here from Mr. Mahmud.
That meeting is no longer as well.
That sneaky bastard has canceled the meeting...
...and he wants us to pay for the room from now on.
We have you booked into the Jewel Suite until Wednesday.
The charge is 22,000 per night.
The room is $22,000 a night.
- What? - We can't pay that.
Let them sue me.
The punishment for not paying your hotel bill in the UAE is jail.
What time is checkout?
In precisely one hour.
We have an hour to pack and get the fuck out of Abu Dhabi.
CHARLOTTE: What?
What do you mean...?
New Middle East, my ass.
Fucking Paula Abdul. Where is she when you need him?
Samantha!
I can't be ready in an hour!
Then you better have $22,000 a night!
CHARLOTTE: Oh, my God.
All right. Okay.
I've got the bath products.
[KNOCKING]
MAN: Yes. Did you call about luggage? MIRANDA: They're here for the luggage.
CARRIE: Okay. I'm coming.
MIRANDA: Hi. I'm calling to reconfirm four first-class tickets.
SAMANTHA: Oh, Christ. CHARLOTTE: Are you okay?
MIRANDA: We were supposed to be leaving on Tuesday, but...
CARRIE: Sir.
- Shorts? - I no longer care.
I am going from here to a plane to America, where legs are not the devil.
At least zip up the jacket.
I am having a hot flash in 119 degrees. I may die.
MAN: Yes, miss. - Hello.
We called down for two cabs going to the airport.
MAN: Right away. - Thank you.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Oh, my God!
- What? - I forgot to buy Harry and the girls a gift.
- I've gotta run to the gift shop. MIRANDA: Get them at the airport.
How tacky. No, we have time. The plane doesn't leave till 6.
Not chancing it. It's a miracle I got these seats rebooked.
If anything goes wrong, we're flying back 13 and a half hours in coach.
Buy them some crap at the airport.
It's not here. My passport.
- Well, is it in another purse? - No, no. I had it right here.
I had it right here next to my money and the spices.
Well, they're not here either.
I left it where I bought the shoes.
I put it on the counter and then when I saw Aidan I got distracted and I...
- It's all right. It's okay. - I have to go back to the souk.
- What if it's not there? - It will be there. It has to be.
- Miranda, go with me? - Sure.
- We'll all go. - You don't have to do that.
Yeah, like we'd dump you in Abu Dhabi.
Sir, we need to leave the bags here. We'll come back for them.
No, no, no. Um, um. La, la, la, la.
No, no. No.
My nails!
No, sir. No! Not at all. No. Not at all.
They're loading the other car!
Will you stop with the jacket? You're flashing religious men.
I don't care, I'm baking from the inside out.
How much farther?
There he is. Yeah, there he is.
Hello, sir. I was here the other day.
And I left a blue passport.
Yes!
Yes, that's me. Oh, thank God. Thank Allah.
- Just please accept this as a thank-you, sir. - No, no, no.
Oh, sir. Well, then, in that case, shoes for everyone.
Okay, ladies, on me. Quick, quick, quick.
Oh, thank you, sir.
MIRANDA: So I think this...
...should lead us right out to Al Ben Abi Talib Street...
...and we can get a cab back to the hotel and go.
- And how are we for time? - Good.
Hello, miss. Rolex? Special price.
Make beautiful gift for man.
- Do you have it in silver? - Yes. Upstairs. Come.
- This one or this one. - Not this one.
- Oh, craps. - Wait!
- I think it's... - Charlotte's buying a watch.
MAN: Miss.
- Welcome. CARRIE: Excuse us.
MAN: Ladies, come this way. Upstairs. CARRIE: Wait, wait, wait. Hello?
We're with them.
Them. Them.
Okay.
MAN 1: We have many designer bags.
MAN 2: Right through there. MAN 1: Very good, very nice.
- You really enjoy this store. MAN 2: Yes.
MAN 1: Please, have seat. Please. MAN 2: Very good.
- Yes. - Welcome.
- Thank you. - This is...
Carrie. This is the watch you gave Big, right? This could be Harry's gift.
No. Mine was vintage. We should go. We should go.
- We have ladies' watches too, huh? - Yeah.
We really, really need to go right now.
Is there any air in here?
- I have many other kinds. - No, I'm so sorry.
We're going to miss our plane, so nothing.
Thank you. Thank you.
- Beautiful. - You want watch, yes?
- No, no, no. She didn't want anything. - No.
- Sorry. - Thank you, though.
Go. Then go.
- We have to go. - No, you have to put this on...
...before we go outside. - You go.
- Sorry. - No purse? No purse?
- Thank you, sir. - No purse? Purse? No purse?
- It's forbidden. - What?
It...
[MUEZZIN SINGING CALL TO PRAYER OVER SPEAKERS]
- What's that? - It's the call to prayer.
Hey, lady!
Hey, you! Hey, you. I see you steal this.
- This is mine! - I seen you take it!
SAMANTHA: I didn't steal it! It's mine!
You broke my Birkin!
Sorry. Mistake.
Condoms! Condoms, yes! Condoms!
- I have sex! - Okay, okay.
- Samantha. - Yes! Yes!
I have condoms!
Here they are!
Bite me!
- Bite me! Oh, bite me! - No, no, no.
MIRANDA: Go, go. Keep going.
Put your jacket on.
CARRIE: You're worried about getting old? You're exactly the same as when I met you.
- Yes, I am. Good for me. - Oh, they're following us.
Yes, because that was major disrespect. And it's against the law.
- So, what do we do? - Just keep walking and pray...
...no one calls a cop.
I think they want us to follow them.
- I think we should. MIRANDA: Okay, go.
CHARLOTTE: Okay.
All right. All right. Here we go.
Hello.
You are welcome, you are welcome.
[SPEAKING IN ARABIC]
That was quite a show outside.
Terrible.
So disrespectful.
Yes.
I quite enjoyed it.
- And the men will be outraged for weeks. - For months. Some, perhaps years.
Could I bother you for a glass of water? I'm burning up.
- Yes. - Hot flashes.
Yeah. She knows.
Have you read this?
We are discussing it in our book club today.
- Suzanne Somers. - Suzanne Somers.
Lady gets around.
They took my creams.
I take it you are visiting from the United States?
- New York City. - New York?
Carnegie Hall, Fifth Avenue.
You've been to New York?
No.
But we love the fashion.
- Louis Vuitton. - Yes.
Yes.
And there, in a dried-flower shop, halfway across the world...
...underneath hundreds of years of tradition...
...was this year's spring collection.
- So beautiful. - So pretty.
- What'd she say? What'd she say? - Something, something, Arab women.
Would you like anything to drink? Coffee, tea? Anything, really.
Sorry. If we don't leave now, we'll miss our flight.
But what about those angry men out there?
How are we gonna get past them?
CARRIE: All clear.
MIRANDA: This way.
It's this way.
Hey, where's Charlotte?
- She was behind you. - No, I know.
I'm gonna fucking kill her. If we miss that flight, we're flying home coach.
Shoes, the shoes. Look for her shoes. She was wearing purple peep-toe platforms.
- Got it. - Right.
There she is.
Charlotte!
Look! For the girls!
MIRANDA: Taxi!
- Taxi! CARRIE: Don't women here take cabs?
Taxi!
Why won't they stop? We're out of time. We're gonna get bumped from first class.
I can't be in menopause and in coach.
I have an idea. Hold this.
- What's she doing? - I don't know.
CARRIE: Oh, hurry. SAMANTHA: Get in.
MIRANDA: I'll get in the front. CHARLOTTE: Thank you so much.
- Thank you, sir. Oh, yes. MIRANDA: We're going to the Taj Al Saharaa.
Thank you.
Do you have anything to declare?
Yes. I'm a mess.
Thank you.
WOMAN: Do you have anything to declare?
Turns out, Big never met me at the airport like he promised.
- Thank you, William. - No problem, Mrs. Preston.
John?
No Big and no TV.
LILY: Here comes Mommy. HARRY: Here comes Mommy.
- Hey, there she is. LILY: Mommy, hi.
HARRY: Let's say hello, let's say hello. - Oh, I missed you so much.
- Hi! Baby Rose. HARRY: Hello, my love.
- I missed you so much. ROSE: Mommy.
[LINE RINGING]
BIG [ON RECORDING]: I can't pick up, so please leave me a message.
Hi, it's me. I'm home.
Where are you?
[DOOR OPENS]
Hi.
Where you been all day?
Walking around.
Killing time.
Torturing you.
Well, it worked.
- I thought you weren't gonna come back. - Oh, no.
I'm a grownup.
And I made a vow.
Remember?
Ever thine, ever mine.
Ever ours.
Just so you know...
...that really tore me up.
I'm sorry.
You know, it seems to me that you're a bit of a rookie...
...when it comes to this whole marriage idea.
And maybe in light of what happened...
...until you get a better understanding of what this is all about...
...you need a little reminder.
This is your punishment.
You have to wear this every day so that you remember...
...you're married.
Gladly.
It dawned on me when I was walking around...
...that while you wrote a funny book about vows...
...you never actually wrote any vows from you to me.
Oh, I did.
But then that wedding never happened.
I guess we all make stupid mistakes.
You were saying.
Vows.
I took the liberty of making up some vows for you.
Repeat after me, please.
I will never kiss another man other than my husband.
I will stop worrying about being a boring old married couple...
...because we never will be.
I will stop worrying about being a boring old married couple...
...because we never will be.
Are you sure?
It's gonna be just us two.
Are we enough?
Kid...
...we're too much.
How's that for a little sparkle?
That's a lot of sparkle.
Why'd you get a black diamond?
Because you're not like anyone else.
That's a relief.
I thought you were gonna say it's the color of my soul.
And, like it always will, time moved us on.
And in the future...
MIRANDA: I am proud to report that the settlement we attained...
...for Global Families Incorporated surpassed their expectations.
- Miranda learned that at the right law firm, where her voice was valued...
...she was also fun at work.
And that July 4th, on an East Hampton sand dune...
...Samantha learned that good things do come to those who wait...
...when she and Rikard resumed their date in the land of the free...
...and the home of the hormones.
[SAMANTHA MOANING]
And Charlotte learned that she never really had anything to worry about.
Turns out, her hot nanny preferred the company of other hot nannies.
SAMANTHA: Stanford, here's a refresher. - Yes, please.
- Happy birthday. - What are you doing? You drank it all?
And as Rose turned 3...
...and our marriage grew out of the terrible twos...
...Big and I found less and less need to escape to the other apartment.
But we kept the option open.
Just in case someone needed those two days off.
As for me, I began to think of marriage...
...much like the Real Housewife of Abu Dhabi's veil.
You have to take the tradition and decorate it your way.
WOMAN [ON TV]: - trying to make up my mind for me.
MAN: Well, stop it and do as I tell you.
WOMAN: Leopold. - Never take a stubborn woman...
...they're a curse. My mother warned me against stubborn women.
WOMAN: Leopold.
MAN: Now, stop following me or I'll call the police.
CARRIE: Because while movies may be wonderful in black and white...
...when it comes to relationships...
...there's a whole range of colors and options to explore.
And that's where I am today.
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]